Welcome back, Bachelor Nation!
I don’t know about you, but despite my love/hate relationship with ABC’s Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, I was eagerly awaiting the season premiere this week, mostly because it’s a fantastic excuse to live tweet snarky commentary with other like minded fans. Plus Dancing with the Stars simply doesn’t fill the gaping hole in my Monday nights quite like fabricated romance.
So without further ado, here’s what happened this week…
Reminder: Ben Higgins is a dick
ABC would be remiss to kick things off without reminding everyone what happened only a few months ago. Producers think you all have memories like goldfish – technically the jury is still out on whether the only pet you’ve ever flushed down the toilet can remember three seconds ago or five months ago, but I digress – because there was a 2:18 minute Ben/Jojo highlight reel. Well, my friends, I have a bit more faith in you so here’s my less-than-30-second-picture-heavy-text-light version:
And with that, we’re off to a solid start with a montage of pensive close ups and gratuitous bikini shots. Here’s one so you have a clear visual!
Advice from former Bachelorettes Worthless Filler
Basically nothing remotely interesting was discussed. We came sooooooo close when Jojo asked the women, “Is there anything that you guys regret doing?” and Kaitlyn resounds “YES!” but then doesn’t tell us why. GAH!
Other standout moments include:
Kaitlyn putting her feet on the table
OMG I could feel my stomach bile boiling. Were you raised by wolves?
And Ali auditioning for a revival of Clockwork Orange
And finally… the GUYS!
I find it odd that every season the guys emerge from the limo in droves, like it’s a clown car and the circus has come to town. The worst part is that they immediately get handsy when they introduce themselves. Where’s the polite handshake? A kiss on the back of the hand? Anything but premature unnecessary physical contact. I can only imagine how Jojo felt, but personally, I was slathering hand sanitizer all over my body just watching them invade her personal space. Rather than relive every cringeworthy encounter, I’ve summarized the rest of the episode into three categories: Questionable outfits, questionable occupations, and some serious HAIR.
Let’s start with the outfits…
Apparently no one could find pants that were long enough. I thought LA was in a drought, but you’d never know judging by all the highwaters these guys were sporting.
Even the short guy couldn’t find pants that were long enough. You can see his socks!
Then there were the guys who opted for no pants at all.
There was the mildly racists guy in the kilt. His name is irrelevant.
“I’m half Chinese, half Scottish. But lucky for me, I’m half Scottish below the waist… and I’m not wearing any panties”
Fantastic. Can’t wait to send you home in a few hours.
Thankfully, the Black Box made an early appearance this season.
In previous seasons, the Black Box struggled to keep what’s-her-face on Season 19 of the Bachelor covered during various physical challenges and it was faithfully sparing the three children, who inadvertently watch the show because it happens to be on when they come into the living room to beg mom to pull herself away from her Franzia and perhaps press pause long enough to help with spelling homework, from catching a glimpse of Jojo’s EPIC sideboob in Season 20.
And let’s not forget about the guy in the Speedo. Daniel (who’s occupation is “Canadian,” more on that below) got drunk and took his clothes off; been there, done that so I’m not judging. But he was also criticizing the Kilt Guy for trying too hard because “that would be like the same thing as if I just took off my shirt and said, ‘Look at my body, I look fucking amazing.’ But I’m not gonna do that, right? Just keep it cool for the first night.”
So cool. You must be FREEZING, dude.
I suppose if you can’t pull off your birthday suit, you may as well go for a Santa suit. Especially if your name is Nick.
Not only is his real name NICK (get it?… like St. Nick?… I thought this was hilarious) but he kept chortling, “Jo Jo Jo” over and over again (like “ho ho ho,” … look I’m just trying to make sure you guys are with me here!) and let’s give him a few extra strategy points for having a perfect excuse to get Jojo to sit on his lap. This guy is this season’s Dark/Trojan Horse.
It may be a ridiculous gimmick, but saying your occupation is “Father Christmas” is just as legit as any of the other highly suspect job descriptions:
- Brandon, 28, Hipster, Los Angeles, California – I think by definition, you can’t be a hipster from LA and/or appear on a reality TV show willingly. Unless you’re being ironic, but I’m pretty sure he’s not that meta.
- Daniel, 31, Canadian, Vancouver, B.C., Canada – Being Canadian isn’t a job, but it IS the American dream if Trump becomes president.
- Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, Nashville, Tennessee – If you’re a doctor, you’d say you’re a doctor. If you’re a doctor and you wanted to be specific, you’d say you’re a urologist. WTF do you ACTUALLY do if you’re an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist? Is there a weekend certification class? Is it like becoming a Zumba instructor or an authorized Market America Merchant? Just wondering. I hope Jojo keeps him around long enough to interrogate him on that very topic.
- James S., 27, Bachelor Superfan, Phoenix, Arizona – No, James. Never admit this. Even my husband was smart enough to surreptitiously enjoy listening to the show from the other room but gave himself away twice. The first time was right before a commercial break and he shouted from the other room, “Do you think Ben is going to show up?” His hopes were dashed later when Jake Pavelka made an unnecessary appearance; he scoffed, “who the fuck is this guy?” when he just happened to be walking through the living room. The second time was when All 4 One started singing “I Swear” and I could hear my husband singing along in three different keys. He’s tone deaf but confident.
- Robert “Robby,” 27, former competitive swimmer, Jacksonville, Florida and Jordan, 27, former pro quarterback, Chico, California – Seriously, what do you do RIGHT NOW to support yourselves? Did you make so much money when you were present tense athletes that you are currently RETIRED athletes who spend the majority of your days bare assing the lounge chairs next to the pool outside your mansions? Or are you living in your parents’ basement because you can’t even get a job as a gym teacher. Perhaps, Jordan never made it as a QB because he has birthing hips.
He looks even shapelier than Jojo in a bikini. Don’t believe me? Scroll back up to the top… Go on… I’ll wait.
And finally, we have all the good hair!
It’s hard to go wrong with Brad Pitt’s “Fury” cut. It’s a classic. I just never would have expected an indolent barber on the hair and make up crew. Maybe there was a group rate at the SuperCuts on Pico Blvd.
Stay tuned for next week’s episode. I have no clue what’s going to happen because the teaser this week was a melange of clips that covered literally the entire season. I was concerned that we may have gotten too much information, but I guarantee it was all misleading. Oh, and meaningless.
Until next time, friends.