This week’s episode of The Bachelor left me with more questions than answers. In fact, this post is overly peppered with questions. Why? Because I don’t have any answers. On this or anything else.
Perhaps you do.
Picking up where we left off…
Last week’s episode ended with Kelsey on the floor.
A week later she’s still there. A lot of hyperventilating and a lot of whining.
Is any of this real? Did she rehearse this? More importantly, were the brownies store bought?
I may be out on a limb here but I’m going with NO, NO, and YES to the aforementioned questions respectively. I’m not a doctor but I’ve had a panic attack and I can assure you that you don’t give a rat’s ass about brownies. Or anything else. It is practically impossible for someone to talk you down from a panic attack or distract you. And since pretty much every aspect of every episode bolsters my theory that the Bachelor production budget was cut significantly compared to previous seasons, I’m certain an intern grabbed a plastic container of brownies from the final-sale-table at Costco en route to the set.
But I’ll give it to you, Kelsey. Asking to see Chris while breathing through the oxygen mask was a nice touch.
The Rose Ceremony
The Rose Ceremony went by pretty quickly but, thankfully, not before Ashley I freaked out because she doesn’t have a tragic story like the rest of the girls. Turns out, the Bachelor is no longer a reality dating show, it’s a tragic story pissing contest. However, not every hardship will prolong your time on the show as 21 year-old single mom Mackenzie can attest. She was eliminated this week…
…along with Samantha who’s greatest tragedy (or perhaps super power) is invisibility.
Last week, I had no idea who she was and when she got eliminated this week, the only thing I remembered is that she was the girl I didn’t remember.
For the record, Mackenzie insists she will never get over being eliminated. Something tells me if she’s chosen to be the Bachelorette next season (doubtful), this will be nothing but a distant memory.
Deadwood, South Dakota
I shouldn’t be surprised to find out that all nine girls are sharing one room (singular) at a Holiday Inn. Yet somehow I can’t seem to shake that pesky feeling of disbelief. Becca informs us that the Deadwood Mountain Grand “has a really homey vibe.” Get cozy ladies!
Who’s sleeping bitch tonight in the king bed and who’s sleeping on the fold-out couch? Are you drawing straws or do you have a rotation going? More importantly, was anyone concerned about the feral cats?
Did the producers at least spring for rabies and tetanus shots for everyone?
Hope so or Ashley I will get her tragic story after all!
Thankfully there was a line item in the budget for sepia toned western themed photos.
Chris provides us with a little background info on Deadwood, historical accuracy questionable as always. Not only is this the spot where Wild Bill Hickok was killed (seems legit from my Wikipedia research) and Calamity Jane “did her business” (totally unverifiable), but something about Deadwood makes him feel “like a tough guy walking down the street.” But, Chris, how tough do you feel in the bathtub?
Becca’s One-on-One Date
This was a snoozefest. At one point I walked away to load the dishwasher because I couldn’t find any drying paint to watch (note to self, paint a closet next week). The most interesting part of this whole date was catching a glimpse of a camera guy in the background.
The Girls Confront Kelsey
The girls decide to confront Kelsey about her bizarre behavior. As you might expect, Kelsey feigns ignorance and humiliation.
But behind the scenes, the cardigan comes off.
Kelsey admits, “I get it. I’m blessed with eloquence, I’m articulate and I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.” Close, Kelsey. But not quite. It’s not that the other girls are jealous of you. It’s actually that you’re fucking insane.
The Group Date
The group date featured Big and Rich. If you’re not a country music fan, you have no idea who the hell these guys are either, probably because they haven’t released a hit since 2004. But Carly was kind enough to half-sing Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy as a reminder. Catchy little tune and admittedly I remember it from years ago when I drank shots of Wild Turkey at a dive bar with the song blasting in the background in an effort to impress a guy with an inexplicable fascination with all things country. And much like that regrettable experience, I won’t get my time back here either.
Big and Rich coached the girls as they
prepare for public humiliation wrote songs expressing their feelings for Chris. As you might expect, despite the “coaching,” the performances were pretty lackluster.
Can anyone carry a tune? Is everyone deaf? Because right now I’m wishing I was.
To quote Randy Jackson, it was worse than “a little pitchy, dog,” including Carly’s performance which is surprising because she has such an impressive career as a cruise ship singer.
Luckily for everyone, it’s a dating show and not a American Idol. Chris was kind enough to remind us that even your best tone deaf singer/song writer attempt isn’t good enough if you don’t look like Britt. The two snuck off to a Big and Rich concert later that night where Chris gave Britt the group date rose.
Sorry ladies. Maybe you should start sleeping in your makeup.
Ashley I and Kelsey’s Two-On-One Date
FINALLY A HELICOPTER RIDE!!! They probably just blew the entire budget on this one episode but whatever. Plus Ashley I’s stank face was in full effect before anything remotely dramatic happened.
Ashley I was up first for some alone time with Chris and after a nauseating face sucking session, she warned Chris that she and the other girls in the house don’t like Kelsey because they all think Kelsey is fake.
Now it’s Kelsey’s turn. Chris, in his infinite wisdom, told Kelsey what Ashley I just told him.
Does anyone else feel like we’re in high school with all this she-said/he-said/who-likes-who crap?
Kelsey returned from her alone time with Chris and confronted Ashley I, “I know what you did.”
This was by far the most intense creepy moment of this show (or any other horror movie I’ve ever seen).
Ashley I, feeling like Chris sold her out, confronted Chris… only to be eliminated!
Ashley I gave us plenty of snorting and ugly cry face – she’s true television gold! – before wandering off to wait for a ride home.
But wait there’s more!
With the faint sounds of Ashley I still crying in the distance, Chris sent Kelsey home too in a surprising double elimination. The best part is, Chris got in the helicopter leaving both girls in the Badlands and me with a million questions.
How do Kelsey and Ashley I get home? Is there a second helicopter? Do they ride a pair of burros to the airport? Where is the muster point to collect their luggage? Did they really fit all of their stuff into carry-on bags? Does anyone have any answers to my questions?
Somehow I doubt the upcoming Women Tell All episode is going to answer anything for me. But I’m going to watch anyway and I’ve got my DVR set just in case too! Check your local listings. I’d hate for you to miss it. But even if you do, I’ll be recapping it for you anyway. You can thank me later.