The Bachelor Recap: Season 19 Episode 5

Bachelor Title

Where do I even begin? This week’s episode was chock full of geographical inaccuracies, awkward sexual encounters, questionable medical conditions, and irrefutable evidence confirming my hypothesis that the producers are completely out of money and ideas. Let’s get into it.

New Mexico

We open the show in New Mexico. Nothing against New Mexico, but this location screams budget-friendly like none other especially when past seasons boasted locations like St Croix, Thailand, and Anguilla. Now we’re slumming it in Costco and New Mexico, which, by the way, IS part of the United States lest Megan or anyone else think otherwise. Also, generally speaking, landlocked regions don’t have beaches.

Carly’s One-on-One Date Featuring the Awkward Sexual Encounters Guru

(Side note: Awkward Sexual Encounters should be a new category on Craigslist)

So far this date takes the cake for being the most uncomfortable. And it wasn’t the usual social discomfort that accompanies most first dates.

Bachelor Love Guru Awkwardness

Typical first date breathing assistance.

It was the chocolate covered strawberries that activated my gag reflex. Seeing Carly haphazardly schmearing chocolate over Chris’s nonexistent upper lip made me dry heave.

Bachelor Chocolate Schmear

Also, I’ve lost count of the number of blindfolded-chocolate-covered-strawberry-eating scenes this season. Like I said, the producers have run out of ideas. And just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, they start breathing on each other.

Bachelor Breathing

Don’t worry, I just brushed.

Please, sweet baby Jesus, make it stop. I can’t decide which I hate more – someone sneaking up on me or someone breathing on me. It’s Sophie’s choice.

Who Is Samantha?

During the announcement about who’s going on the group date and who gets the one-on-one dates, the camera pauses on this woman:

Bachelor Who is Samantha

Have you seen this woman?

I don’t remember ever seeing her. But apparently her name is Samantha and the only reason she hasn’t been eliminated is because Chris doesn’t know she’s here either.

White Water Rafting

Chris and the girls go white water rafting.

Bachelor white water rafting

Megan, in addition to being confused about North American geography, also thinks alligators and dead bodies and “who knows what” inhabit the river. Somehow despite the scared-straight instructions everyone received about staying in the boat to avoid certain death should you fall in the water, Jade falls in the water. I don’t know about you, but if someone told me I’d drown if I was ejected from the boat, I’d be strapped to that mother fucker like my life depended on it because well, my life depended on it. Where’s the duct tape?

Now, if I also had a “condition” where I spontaneously get hypothermia if exposed to moderately cold temperatures, perhaps I’d sit this one out. And for all you skeptics, there is in fact a condition call Raynaud’s disease. That being said, it doesn’t mean she’s not faking it. There’s a lot I’d do for a foot rub too.

Bachelor Jade foot rub

Jordan Returns

Who? Another girl I can’t recall.

Thankfully when she arrived she clarified, “It’s me. Jordan.”

Nope. Still no recollection.

Chris asks her why she’s back, most likely buying time to figure out who the hell she is. Wild guess, but I think she’s back because the producers arranged it and it’s cheaper than taking everyone on unicorn rides in the Maldives.

And hello deja vu, but didn’t this whole contestant-returns-seeking-second-chance tactic happen in the first episode? Yes, but remember we’re out of money and ideas! Don’t worry, you’ll have more questions regarding finances and creativity in a few paragraphs.

It’s not until Chris says, “she was consuming too many drinks” that I remembered she was Perpetually Drunk Girl.

Drunk Jordan

Now you know exactly who I am!

Eventually Chris sends her packing, but not before we got to witness Ashley I’s seriously epic stank faces.

Bachelor Ashley I Stank Face 1

Bachelor Ashley I Stank Face 2

Bachelor Ashley I Post Rose Stank Face

And just when you think Ashley’s done for the night, Chris gives Whitney a rose and we get one more.

Bachelor Ashley I Stank Face 3

Thank you, Ashley I!

Britt’s Date

Chris wakes up Britt…Bachelor Britt Wake Up Call

…and all the other girls…

Bachelor Budget Hotel

… because not only do they all have to share a room but apparently they have to share a bed too?…. oh right, BUDGET!

Chris is thrilled that Britt looks flawless at all hours.

Bachelor Britt In The Morning

Did the make up I put on last night stay on my face?

“Britt looks just as incredible first thing in the morning as she does when she’s all dolled up prior to a rose ceremony. It’s pretty incredible.”

Maybe it’s incredible or maybe it’s Maybelline, Chris. Carly verified that Britt does in fact apply makeup before she goes to bed “just in case” which is pretty smart on Britt’s part considering the cameras are on ALL. THE. TIME.

After waking everyone by asking them if she can borrow their clothes before she borrows their boyfriend, Britt and Chris go on a hot air balloon ride. While they’re gone, all the girls talk shit about how Britt hasn’t showered since production started. Either it’s a total lie or she has the BEST dry shampoo. If it’s the latter, I’m predicting endorsement deals galore. I’ve never seen anyone’s hair look that shiny and clean after not showering for weeks:

Bachelor Britt Hair 1

Bachelor Britt Hair 2

Poor Carly’s hair doesn’t even look half as good and she’s been lathering up on the regular.

Bachelor Carly Dirty Hair

Britt returns from the hot air balloon date and tells all the other girls about how she and Chris took a “nap” together:

Bachelor Naps with Britt

Riiiiiight. Looks like a “nap” to me!

Kelsey’s “Story”

Kelsey sneaks away from the other girls to steal some one-on-one time with Chris. I love how rather than wear a shirt with no pants like Ashley I,

Bachelor Ashley White Shirt No Pants 3

What else would you wear for some one-on-one time?

Kelsey opts for a Stepford Wife cardigan.

Bachelor Kelsey Stepford Wife Cardigan

I prefer something demure but with a pop of color because I’m crazy.

She tells Chris some shady story about her husband, Sanderson Poe, dying unexpectedly.

Bachelor Kelsey and Chris

Admit it, you Google searched “Sanderson Poe” as soon as she said it because you think she’s full of shit too. Earlier in the episode she told one of the girls that Sanderson died from congestive heart failure but she wasn’t really sure. Guess what, sweetheart, if the love of your life suddenly drops dead, you sure as hell know why. It’s not something that you can’t remember or get confused about. You know exactly what the fuck happened.

Things quickly take a turn for the disturbingly creepy when Kelsey says,

“Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story… Stay tuned. Monday nights at 8!”

I’m willing to bet if this Sanderson Poe was in fact a real person and did indeed die, his head is in her freezer.

Yup. Head in freezer.

Yup. Head in freezer.

And can we just talk about the fact that Kelsey is a guidance counselor?

Bachelor Kelsey Guidance Counselor

Hide your kids, hide your wife.

Rose Ceremony

After Kelsey drops the questionably-dead-husband bomb, Chris freaks out and cancels the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party. Kelsey freaks out too, leaves the room, and ends up on the floor having a phony panic attack leaving us with a cliff hanger because thankfully this show is only two hours with commercials.

Bachelor To Be Continued

Tune in next week to find out what happens and what irritated me the most from Season 19 Episode 6 of The Bachelor.

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