The Bachelor Recap: Season 19 Episode 4

This week I have no excuse for the delay other than

  1. I’m lazy and
  2. Re-watching the Bachelor in order to fact-check my recap and get screen shots takes at least an additional two hours of my life that I will never get back and for as much as I love ripping on the Bachelor, four hours a week devoted to drivel is embarrassing. But that’s reality.

So without further ado, let’s get to the highlights from Season 19 Episode 4!

The Lake/Camping Group Date

I’m not “outdoorsy” so the idea of swimming in a lake where lots of creepy crawly slimy things live schkeeves me out. Throw in the whole sleeping on the ground in a makeshift shelter like a homeless person and we’ve just described my own personal hell. To quote contestant Kelsey, I’d rather “take a fork and stab it in my eye” than be on this date.

Bachelor S19E4 Kelsey

Stick a fork in my eye; I’m done with this date

I rarely relate to any of the women on the Bachelor but in this case Kelsey may as well be reading my diary on prime time TV. And just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, she gets stung by a by a bee. This is why I stay inside.

The only other moments from this awful date that are remotely worth mentioning include:

  • Chris sneaking up on the girls while they’re sitting in the dark around the campfire. If I were a contestant, this would have turned into a snuff film.
  • Ashley S and her inability to hide her crazy. I don’t think it’s just because she’s drunk. She’s certifiable. One minute she’s talking about Chris’s astrological sign. The next it’s the moon. Then she’s telling him she loves him…

S19E4 Ashley S I Love You

and everything about him.

S19E4 Ashley S I Love You Really

I was hoping she’d stick around for a while but sadly she got eliminated this week. Here’s to hoping someone else steps up her game in future episodes. Fingers crossed.

The Princess Date

Cross promotion is a necessary evil in the modern age of TiVo. Aside from the Super Bowl, does anyone watch commercials anymore? I haven’t seen a commercial since Y2K so I completely get why Disney and ABC (essentially the same company) would use this mother of all over-the-top dates to promote the new Cinderella movie. But did you have to put poor Jade from Nebraska in the ugliest dress possible?

S19E4 Jade ugly gown 3

OK maybe not the ugliest dress possible. This one is actually worse:

S19E4 Jade ugly gown 4

I made this out of the drapes in the living room

There was this killer sparkly sexy slinky number:

S19E4 Jade slinky sparkle

I definitely don’t want anything that emphasizes my narrow waist or my cleavage…

But why wear something that flaunts your figure when you can wear upholstery? I guess that’s what happens when you take fashion advice from this woman:

S19E4 Fairy Godmother

Trust me. I know style.

The Muckfest

Remember when I said the lake/camping date was my personal hell? I lied. Running through mud and muck in a wedding gown takes it to the next level.

S19E4 Muckfest

To give you an indication of how much I hate mixing mud and formal wear, I didn’t go to nursery school for about three months when I was a kid because I got sand in my shoes.

Also, I have SERIOUS issues with everyone ripping on Jillian because she’s in good shape. It’s a double standard that infuriates me because if Jillian were overweight and someone made a comment to that effect, the outcry from every body-positive blogger on Huff-Po would break the internet faster than Kim Kardashian. But I guess it’s perfectly ok for Carly to say, “Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo instead of dress,” and ask, “is her penis bigger than Chris’s penis?” because muscular athletic women are actually men masquerading as women. Clearly. Ugh. Rant over… for now.

Virginity

Ashley I is making a big deal about how being a virgin is not a big deal.

S19E4 Ashley I is a virgin

Being a virgin is so not a big deal… but I’m going to make a really big deal about how it’s not a big deal. I want Chris to respect me…

She wants Chris to respect her. But not too much. Wait what? I’m not understanding idiot-logic here.

But the plot thickens when we find out Becca is also a virgin!  Except you’d never know it because Becca is not making a big deal about it.

It’s ok, Ashley I, you don’t want him to respect you that much anyway.

S19E4 Ashley I likes corn

I think that about covers the best of the worst this week. Tune in Monday night and hate yourself for it. Then check in with me later next week to see my handpicked Bachelor low lights.

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